As you may have noticed, I took a hiatus from blogging for the past month, for the sole reason that I had no idea of what to write. I wasn’t inspired by the past month’s events, or even very hopeful for the next 30 days. If I’m being totally honest, I’ve been feeling pretty blue since the middle of November.
The end of December is two months since we moved here. Things have been somewhere in the middle of good and bad. We’ve made new friends and grown closer with old ones. We’ve discovered beautiful places that surround us and have felt the warm sun all throughout December. We’ve found part-time work, however unsteady and poor-paying it may be. Basically, we’ve been trying to make things work.
But we’ve also spent a lot of our savings – necessarily, of course, but still it’s difficult to see a year’s hard work and dedication dwindle down. What’s good: We found an apartment, subscribed to internet service, bought some furniture on Craigslist and went on grocery store runs to fill up our fridge and cupboards. What’s not so good: we have yet to find any promising job leads, which is pretty much the main reason we moved here in the first place. We’ve had at least 10 interviews between the two of us that have yielded nothing. And I’ve started to feel incredibly homesick and a little bit stifled and lost in a big city.
For months, I’ve been mentally and emotionally preparing myself for the holidays in Los Angeles, away from home. I knew I would feel a mix of emotions because Christmas has always been a really meaningful time for me, and to spend it in an unfamiliar place, in a city that barely gets cold enough for it to snow, would be weird. And it was.
Holidays aside, the problem is I don’t feel much of a connection to this place. I don’t feel grounded or stable and it feels like I’m on an endless, strange vacation, more than ready to go back home and resume my normal life. In the past few years, I’ve realized that I have very strong attachments to places, mainly because they are scenes where my memories are played over and over again, memories I’ve made with the people I love. No doubt, we’ve made some great memories out here so far and I am with my love, Austin, and our friends who I love dearly. But if I left this place tomorrow, I doubt I’d feel much attachment to it afterwards.
Austin and I have been riding the waves of each other’s disappointment, frustration, anxiety and fear, picking the other back up from mind-eating negative thoughts and moving forward. It’s all we can do for now. We are putting ourselves out there, working hard to get interviews, and searching for that sliver of an opportunity that puts us where we both need to be. For now, the road is certainly rocky, but it’s my sincere hope that it will smooth out up ahead.